Just Pull My Braids Already!
Welcome back!
I realized today that my way of flirting is to give a guy a hard time. Now, I’m not one of those women who enjoy castrating men… I just enjoy some fun loving, sarcastic, pain in the ass nudging. Sometimes I do go too far and then I regret hitting that point. Men don’t like to be put down, made to feel like they aren’t good enough. When I cross that line, I’m being completely sarcastic but not everyone can take a joke, or in my case, sarcasm. What I’m really saying is, “You are talented, wonderful, and interesting,” but what comes out is, “You suck, you suck, you suck.” Or something like that. I assume these guys know they are great and that’s why I tease. But I’m wrong. Of course most of us aren’t 100% confident and a bit of that insecurity comes out in a guy when pushed enough, especially by a woman – even if it’s in good fun.
Why do I do this? That is what I was pondering today as I, yet again, was giving a guy a hard time. He even called me out on it! He pulled back, told me I was picking on him and then I felt badly and slightly embarrassed because he felt embarrassed. I thought long and hard about this. What did I expect out of the teasing? I expected to be teased back, a slight tug on a braid. This also horrified me. Why am relying on school yard tactics?
Then it hit me. I suppose I like strong men who challenge me back. I like to push them but what I really want is a push back. I want someone who is confident and who will take the lead even though I have a strong personality. I want someone to put me in my place when I’m being over aggressive. This doesn’t happen often if you can imagine. It’s not that I want an argument but I like good solid debates and discussions and when I’m being a pain in the ass, shut me up! I suppose the guy who I’ll end up with will be this type. I will continue to push, nudge and poke (within reason) until someone stops my mouth with a kiss.
It’s a good feeling to realize this. If I know how I am and how people react I can make sure I don’t cross the line. Also, I know what it is that I’m looking for. I don’t have to fear that I won’t know a good catch when he’s standing in front of me. You can’t find something you want if you don’t know what it is that you’re looking for. What is it that YOU are looking for?
Thanks but no thanks
I smell like single. There is no other way to explain how I get asked out by totally random guys as much as I do. At Starbucks pouring my half and half, in line at the DMV, checking out at the supermarket and even one epic incident of a man stopping his car and getting out to ask me for my number on the street.
While very flattering, they’re never even remotely dateable. Ever. For once, I would like the gorgeous man in the pinstripe suit I’ve been eyeing across the room to make his way over and strike up a witty conversation.
Unfortunately, my life doesn’t want to seem to work out that way, so I often find myself in the awkward situation of trying to explain that I don’t ever want to have contact with any of these dudes again.
Most of you ladies know that it’s not as easy as it may seem.
I’m a polite person and I really don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by outright saying that I’m not interested. I’ve tried giving out a fake number but was once caught on that trick when I had my blackberry in my hand while we were still chatting and it failed to ring as he tried my number right in front of me.
Aaaaawwwkwaaaaaard.
I respect the fact that it took some courage to come up and ask a stranger for her number, I figure the most humane way is for him to call or text a couple times and when he gets no response to make up a million different reasons why I never returned the message.
Is this really that bad? If you have an idea of exactly how to politely duck out of giving someone your number, I’d love to hear it because I’m not really sure one exists.
20 Questions: When a Date Feels Like an Interrogation
Ah! That’s about all I can say at the moment about my date tonight…. Just give me a moment to gather my thoughts and I will unload! Actually, it wasn’t a date. You could call it an interrogation before you could call it a date!
I had never met this guy before – set up through a friend of a friend. First bad move. We decided to meet at Starbucks since I like to make blind dates a short affair in case the date is going horribly wrong (good dating rule). When we met he seemed very nice and we sat and talked for about 15 minutes. He asked me questions about myself and so I talked a bit to give him an idea of who I am and where I came from. I asked him a lot of questions as well but he kept asking about me. When my stories came to an end I asked him again about himself. He told me, “Well I was born in Mumbai, raised in London and I have been here for 10 years working as an IT consultant.” Then he abruptly stopped and said, “I’m really sorry but I’m extremely hungry, can I take you to get some food?” At first I tried to get around it but he was really nice and it was dinnertime so I gave in (broke my dating rule).
We went down the street and he ushered me into Chipotle. Yeah, Chipotle. First of all, I don’t even like Chipotle and secondly, he didn’t even ask me if I was okay with getting food there. We went in and he got us food even though I told him I didn’t really want anything. We sat down and he said, “So what questions do you have for me?” I said, “Well do you have family here? What do you do for fun?” He smiled and said, “No, ask me questions about me and what I’m looking for.” I thought to myself, well if you want to tell me certain things go ahead – who needs a prompt? I said, “I don’t know what you want me to say.” So he turned it around and said, “Well, there are certain things I want to know about you and you should know certain things about me. What are you like as a girlfriend?” What!? I replied, 
“As a girlfriend? I’m not sure I understand.” He tried to explain, “Are you passionate? Do you hold hands in public? Will you show affection in public?” I was really taken aback over these questions. I was in shock and he just sat there, all business, waiting. I slowly replied, “No, I’m not overly affectionate in public.” He got annoyed, “Why not? If I reached to hold your hand you would take it away? Wouldn’t you care?” I sat back and secretly pinched my arm under the table – was I having a nightmare? I tried to end the conversation, “Well I don’t know how to answer a question like that. When you are in a relationship and in the moment, you find these things out. You don’t just ask me if I’m the type of girl who will hold your hand and ask how I show affection. Those are things you spontaneously find out about a person if things feel right.” He responds, “Well, I think things feel right and so I just want to make sure you are okay with me touching you.” Okay, the end. I stand up and say, “I think I’m going to head out.” He gets really frustrated and asks, “What do you mean you’re leaving? Ask me questions, ask me.” I told him as calmly as I could without blowing a gasket, “I don’t have any questions for you, I don’t want to know any more. I want to leave.” He asks in an angry tone, “Would you go out with me again?” I really felt like I had stepped into the Twilight Zone. I laughed sarcastically and made a beeline for the door. He’s probably still sitting there wondering what went wrong.
Can I buy you a drink?
Thursday night I was out and about and a guy asked to buy me a drink. I figure this is probably the most common pick up situation out there so I will give you the play-by-play. Maybe you guys out there will gain insight or maybe you’ll be completely turned off by what goes through my mind in situations like this one – but I will be honest nonetheless. 
When I decided to close out my tab I left my group of friends and went up to the bar to do so. I squeezed in between two guys because if given the option when presented with a packed bar, I will find two guys and squeeze between them. This gives them the opportunity to strike up a conversation. Viola! The guy next to me says hi and asks me my name – works like a charm. We introduced ourselves and he asked me what I do. We had a simple exchange and then he asked to buy me a drink. Since I was planning on leaving (it’s was late on a week night) I turned him down and said no thank you but I’m heading out. He asked me who I was there with and also if I come there often (of course). I didn’t think it was a cliché thing to ask though as he said it pretty casually. I could tell he was interested in me and was going to try to keep me at the bar as long as he could with simple conversation. He was extremely pleasant and laid back, not aggressive or creepy so I was happy to chitchat. He asked me again if I was sure I didn’t want him to buy me a drink. At this point I asked myself, why wouldn’t I let him buy me a drink? I looked at him – really looked at him. He’s probably about 10 years older than me – not a problem. He’s a bit scruffy and extremely casual in his dress – not all too impressive but not a big deal. He has dark hair that’s kind of long and he’s slightly overweight – overall not my type. I declined the second offer. At this point I had learned that he was a paramedic so I reinforced my not having another drink with the fact that I was leaving and had to drive – this was true and I really had hit my drink limit. He said he hoped that he would see me back there in the near future. I said I’m sure I’ll run into him again as I liked the bar. I said goodbye and walked away with his gaze still on me. I liked that he stared after me. I also liked that I was the object of his affection for even just those few minutes it took to pay my tab. Mr. Paramedic will have to find someone else to play doctor with. Or, if I do return to that bar and he’s there, maybe persistence will win me over. I do like a fighter!
Charlotte’s Dating Rules: Unfriend the Ex
Parting ways with someone who’s seen you wearing only socks is never an easy or pleasant experience. Trust me, I’ve been there on a few occasions and though it is usually me laying out the line “it’s not you, it’s me” , I do still feel the occasional pang when I see the new happy life of the ex in bright Technicolor on my facebook feed.
I’m often un-friended on Facebook before I even have the time to drive home after breaking up. Blocked even. I’m not sure what that says about me as a girlfriend.
I have recently come to the conclusion that unfriending is unfortunate, but a sad necessity of the situation. I don’t care about all of the hollering to the contrary, facebook or otherwise, you can’t be friends with your ex. There, I said it.
I would like to blatantly call foul on anyone that claims to be great friends with their exes. At least one of them is harboring some sort of itch to rekindle the flame. You can’t be intimate with someone and then go back to the world of discussing work and the economy, all the while keeping your hands to yourself.
I have only one ex that I consider a great friend and talk to on a regular basis. Sure, we talk about our respective love lives and give advice on new conquests, however, we live on different coasts and he often requests that I take my shirt off on my webcam and while I’m in town visiting ask if we can have “the sexy sex”.
So yeah, we’re friends.
If you are really intending on getting over an ex, unfriend them as soon as the relationship ends. It’s much easier to get on with your own life without getting happy glances into the life you just left behind.
When Technology Gets the Best of You… Bluetooth Blues
I was at the car wash this morning and this guy was sitting on a bench waiting for his car. He’s obviously having an argument with his significant other but tried to keep it down since there were a few of us sitting there waiting for our cars. I tried imagining what the issue could be… Suddenly he grabbed for his bluetooth headset at his ear and said, “Hello? Hello?” A car washer had just pulled a car around in front of us. The car washer got out, opened the doors and glanced frantically at the group of us waiting. With the doors open, we can hear over the speakers in the car, the other side of the conversation that guy was having until a moment ago! The woman on the other end was yelling (and broadcasting to the entire car wash audience), “You say you’re not attracted to Beth but you stare at her and sneak off with her at Mike’s and you were obviously flirting with her over dinner… what do you think that tells me? Do you think I’m stupid? Craig? Craig? DON’T IGNORE ME!” Headset guy (now known as Craig) rushes to the car, jumps in, closes the driver side door (the other doors are still open). He yells, “Lisa, the bluetooth just picked up in the car and everyone at the car wash can hear you – I need to call you back!” We all waited until he pulled away to chuckle at that poor schmuck’s predicament.
We’ll always have moments like this when our gadgets are just too smart for us. My advice? If you are interested in Beth then dump Lisa first… OR write-off dating forever and know that you can always rely on your bluetooth!
Your Dating Life: Out in the Open and Definable?
Filed under: Advice, Dating, Stories, Tips, Top Lists, Uncategorized
Single? Swinger? In a relationship? Engaged? How would you define your current relationship status online? If I was to answer that question in free form it would be: Seeing a guy who’s great in bed but not relationship material and dating another guy… we’ll see where that goes. I don’t see a status option that encompasses all of that so I pick “Single.”
Not only are we encouraged to state our status but we also allow our “friends” to post things to our profile publicly. It’s open season for cupid… and the rest of the world.
Part of the problem with this new scenario is interpretation. People don’t always see the humor, sarcasm, metaphors and context intended when speaking in 1s and 0s. So how do you read between the lines when interpreting what people post and how do you manage how others interpret what you post?
Here are a few recent scenarios I found myself in:
Three days before Valentines Day I get a message from someone who has been openly interested in me for years: “Would you consider flowers showing up at your house a romantic gesture?” My thoughts: OMG he’s sending me flowers, no he can’t do that! I can’t accept flowers from him! I wanted to type: DO NOT SEND ME FLOWERS. But after careful consideration I typed back, “Yes, that would be a romantic gesture.” Long story short, he was asking in regards to someone else (or so he says). I’m just glad I didn’t react and say exactly what I was feeling. It saved us both some minor embarrassment.
I recently went out on a date with a guy who I wasn’t physically attracted to in the least but he was nice and interesting to talk to so I went. After an awkward dinner and a fun show we hit up late night dessert. When we were waiting for dessert, he takes his camera out and asks the waiter to take our picture. He throws his arms around me and sports a huge smile. I didn’t look all that enthusiastic but I did smile. Two days after dashing into my house to avoid his goodnight kiss I see that picture, front and center on my profile online. Suddenly, I am interrogated by the masses… who’s that guy? Are you seeing that guy? Why didn’t you tell me you went out with someone? Not only is the picture public but the comments are, too! Thankfully I was able to delete the photo “tag.” In my book I tagged him a Big Loser.
As we all are, I have been reconnecting with old friends and in some cases, old lovers. Reminder, I’m listed as “single.” Most of these “new friends” are asking to meet up so we can reconnect. After setting up what I thought was a casual cocktail with a friend of an old lover (how complicated our lives have become!) I received a comment from him. I had posted some song lyrics, “And I’m just dreaming, Counting the ways to where you are” only intending for someone to recognize the song (how naive of me). “New friend” commented on this, “dreams will come true April 3rd, rest up!” My reaction: Uh oh, casual cocktails not so casual! And second thought: Shoot, current guy may see this – I’m innocent! After a deep breath and a sip of wine I decide to play this off as a joke until I can privately manage the situation. It’s all about damage control. I commented back, “You’re inviting George Clooney to drinks?” Let’s see how he likes them, cocktails!
My advice – keep it casual and light hearted online in your interpretation and in what you say. It’s not a place for those heart to hearts, let alone foreplay… leave that to phone calls, texting and one-on-one!! More on that later.
The exception
I’m not even sure why Ethan still talks to me.
When we dated in the summer time, I was pretty awful to him.
Things between us started with fireworks. The thing I remember most about our first date was when we left the restaurant and he lifted me up and started making out with me against a car. And then several different cars after that. Sexy. I spent most of the following weekend lying semi-clothed on his couch. It was fantastic.
It started going downhill after we didn’t put any limits on how much we saw each other. We hung out 10 nights in the first two weeks we dated. One night in the first few weeks I ended up sitting on the sidelines of a basketball court in a community center in West Hollywood watching him play a pickup game with a bunch of sweaty investment bankers. I got mad at myself for letting him take me for granted and not giving myself enough time to focus on my life outside of him. That was just the beginning.
Things started unravelling from there and we broke up a month later.
We gave it another go around a month after that, trying to keep things casual and see other people at the same time. That came to an end when I started dating David and Ethan found out about it through a mutual friend of theirs. Ouch.
So it surprises me that he still talks to me, let alone wants to spend time with me.
After the recent incident with David and the text messaging, I decided that I really needed to give Ethan a chance.
I really did a complete 180 with him and it threw him for a loop at first. I went from being the girl who would constantly tell him to stop talking about his feelings to wanting to discuss a potential future with the two of us.
To pull a line from He’s Just Not That Into You…this story is the exception. I don’t encourage guys to wait around for a girl they’re pining for to wake up one day and realize what they’ve been missing all along. It rarely happens and you’ll waste a lot of your life waiting. Besides, I still have no idea how this will turn out in the end. He may just decide eventually that he can’t get over what happened before.
It’s been 2 months of dating Ethan so far and things have been really fantastic. The hardest thing to get used to is having someone that really would do anything for me.
God, that was so adorable I actually just made myself gag.
Men: Wolves on the Prowl
Recently, I started seeing someone and my friends began to take notice. The most shocking thing was that one of my closest guy friends, Jack, literally cornered me at a birthday gathering to ask me about my new fling. He told me that after seeing me spend time with my new guy, he became jealous and realized that he’s in love with me. What!? Needless to say, I don’t feel the same way. I tried to convince myself (and him) that he had just had too many drinks but he wouldn’t let up. I didn’t see an easy way out. After two hours of explaining and deflecting advances, I finally escaped. In the following days I didn’t bring up that conversation and when he asked if he had offended me or done anything wrong that night I told him, “Don’t worry about it, we’re friends and we’ll just let it go.”
I did immediately approached two people about the incident however. I was hoping someone could shed light on the situation. One of them was another close guy friend. He wasn’t shocked at all. Jack’s pursuit totally made sense to him. Again, total shock! He said to me, “Well, that doesn’t surprise me at all. Of course you are the one we all see as the ideal. Every girl we date is compared to you. You are the most stable, amazing girl we all know.” Talk about getting the wind knocked out of you! I was flattered but I was really not expecting this again! I ended that discussion quickly before it turned into a pour-your-heart-out sequel.
My last resort was my friend, Elena. When I told her what happened with Jack she said one thing: Wolves. After announcing to the world that her marriage might be over, ex-boyfriends, long lost lovers, and guy friends swarmed her like a pack of wolves. There’s nothing more enticing than a woman who is taken by another man. When one wolf wants you, the entire pack wants you. They come drooling at the mouth and surround you.
What I wonder is, how much of it is genuine? Is it the realization that they may not get another chance with you that makes their heads turn? Or is it just the chase and the competition that excites them?
I would advise you men out there… if you are interested in someone, don’t wait for a time when they aren’t available (reality check: it’s a bit harder to win her over when she’s taken!) To the ladies who encounter this… stand your ground, let them down easily and privately – unless, however, you are interested! Jump on the opportunity before the pack disperses!
Charlotte’s Dating Rules: No Sex on the First Date
I’m no prude by any stretch of the imagination and I enjoy a good roll in the hay probably a bit more than the next girl, but when it comes to sex on the fist date, my advice is always a strong, resounding NO.
Put it away. There is nothing good that will come of it.
I’ve heard this thing about how a lot of people can’t separate love and sex and while that’s perfectly valid grounds to not give up the goods on the first date, I have other reasons.
First of all, respect the fact that it’s a date. One-night stands are a perfectly acceptable drunken phenomenon of the western world. It’s not really my cup of tea, but it has happened in the past and I don’t ever fault anyone for doing it. That’s a whole separate issue though. I’m assuming that since you’ve come to the conclusion that you would like to enjoy some polite conversation over drinks, appetizers and/or dinner with this new person (what we typically call a “date”), you’re somewhat more interested in what they have to say.
Oh, you’re not? Well then, go out with a group of friends, get drunk and then climb all over each other all night. A date is not really the optimal solution if you’re just looking for a good old wham-bam-thank-you-mam. Let’s not confuse the two situations.
Second, sex on the first date kills the build up. There’s nothing like that first time you do it with someone that you’ve had multiple sexual fantasies about. An insane amount of sexual tension can only serve to make that first time that much better. Let’s not try to factor love into things at this point, but isn’t sex just that much better when you’re doing it with someone you’re really passionate about?
And lastly, there is of course the fact that well, frankly when you gave it up on the first date, you took away the challenge for the opposite party. And let’s be honest. Sometimes that’s half the fun.
After the first date, you’re on your own. Whenever you choose to give it up after that is fine by me.
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