Give In to It
Filed under: Advice, Dating, Stories, Tips, Top Lists, Uncategorized
Welcome back!
(go back to Chapter III)
Chapter IV
I left for business with only an iPhone in hand. Jim and I stayed in touch over email and through other online mediums thanks to my international data plan. I wished I had an international dating plan but I’d have to just wait it out. It figures that right when he gets the guts to ask me out I am whisked away on some crazy jet setting experience. I wasn’t even sure where anything with Jim would lead but I was sure I was being lead somewhere interesting and I wanted to partake. The emails and correspondence between Jim and I became more flirty and telling. He told me over and over how he missed my presence and how he couldn’t wait for me to return. He made more plans for my return and I told him I looked forward to it. I swear the anticipation that built was unbelievable but fun. I couldn’t wait to spend some time with him. A co-worker even noticed my attitude was different. I denied anything was up but she insisted, “Oh no, you are definitely taken by someone.”
Now, up until this point I had never even physically touched Jim. Although we had a friendship and we had spent time together, I had never even attempted to hug him or touch him in any way and he in turn kept his distance. As I said earlier, I was afraid to go there too early. The next thought that occurred to me was about physical attraction. There was such an emotional and intellectual attraction between Jim and I that I began to doubt there could be anything more. I did doubt my attraction to him. It wasn’t a do you think he’s good looking issue – it was a physical spark I was looking for – fireworks, butterflies, explosions. Is that asking too much? When all these thoughts entered my mind I was suddenly nervous to return. I thought – well maybe if I remain far away forever we can continue this affair of the mind and I’d remain happy. Of course I was delusional and that would never be satisfying. I’d have to face my fear. If you don’t allow yourself to be somewhat vulnerable you’ll never know what you could have. Living in fear means living alone and that is not what we yearn for. So, I jumped on a plane and made my way back home; I was ready to ignite the spark.
to be continued…
The Distance Dance
(go back to Chapter II)
Chapter III
As I realized what was forming between Jim and I we began to do what I call, the distance dance. I wanted to remain further than an arm’s reach away yet I didn’t want him to think I wasn’t interested. This turned into many flirty conversations but nothing overly obvious. There were a few times when he’d compliment me in a way that would both flatter me and make me tilt an eyebrow. He would say I was pretty. He would say I inspired him to work harder. He would say I was one of the most motivated and intelligent woman he’d ever met. 
Who wouldn’t be flattered? I didn’t return these compliments for two reasons. I’m not usually the type of person who verbally compliments someone (yes I need to work on that) and I was also unsure of how it would be taken. I had been keeping my physical distance and now I was also keeping my vocal distance. What was I afraid of? Looking back, I was afraid he wasn’t feeling the same way I was feeling. Silly, I know. I was also afraid to get involved with someone who was coming out of a long term relationship. All I knew was that I was intrigued; I wanted to see where things would go. I began to wonder how long this dance would last.
During this time I was also questioning my own feelings. What did I want? Was I really interested in Jim as more than a friend? Where did I see this going? The answers were obvious to me but I wasn’t ready to admit them yet. I have had so many relationships in the past start because I initiated them. I wanted this to be different. I wanted him to approach me. I want to know someone wanted me. I wanted someone to man up and admit it. Okay, flashing neon lights now: Ask me out!
Then Jim asked me to join him at an event (finally!), however, I was simultaneously hit with a business opportunity that meant traveling for some time. I would be gone for a while so any dating plans would have to wait – but was Jim asking me out on a date? I wasn’t so sure. My intuition told me yes but another part of me warned that it might not be a date and not to get my hopes up. I do put my career ahead of anything else, and Jim knows this, so I bought my tickets to head out of town that weekend. The realization that I would be out of contact for a while struck a nerve in me. In the last conversation with Jim before I left town, he told me he would really miss me. I finally gave in and told him I’d miss him as well, because I would. The distance dance would continue a bit longer.
to be continued…
The Friendly Meeting that turns Personal
(go back to Chapter I)
Chapter II
Now there wasn’t one instance where the friendship Jim and I began turned more personal. Over the next few months our lives became more entwined online, in social circles and in personal matters. We were talking and interacting on a daily basis. I learned that Jim had recently been through a break up. That relationship had been a long one – over 5 years. There were similarities between his just-ended relationship and a past long term relationship that I was a part of once upon a time. My thoughts about my experiences helped Jim understand the female perspective a bit more in his current situation.
He told me that he and his ex had lived together for most of their relationship. He also told me he thought they would eventually get married and have kids. In the end she fell out of love and decided to leave. Jim had no idea this was coming. It shocked and stunned him. It took about four weeks of transition (as she moved out) and trips to a therapist to get him to realize that the relationship had been ending for a while. His girlfriend had fallen into that very common comfort zone where she existed only as a half of the equation. She felt that she had lost herself and that the relationship was the cause of her not pursuing her dreams. Jim felt he was always supportive of her. Regardless of Jim’s support, his girlfriend’s thoughts and state of mind were her own worst enemy. Her unhappiness about her life turned into resentment and it ate a hole through the center of their relationship. She also never voiced her fears to Jim – the first rule in a relationship – open and honest communication.
Needless to say the break up was very hard on him and I talked to him about it for many days and nights. I learned more about him through these talks and although he and I became very close, I was careful to remain a supportive friend and not become too involved or invested in what was going on. He needed this time to reflect and heal.
I learned that his past girlfriend was younger than him by quite a few years which I found interesting because it seemed that I was about her same age. I didn’t really know how old Jim was. I thought about asking but didn’t. From other stories about his family I figured he was probably in his mid-thirties. More on that later.
Since he was offering up information about himself, I did so in return. Over these few months we developed a friendship. It was easy to talk to him and easy to ask for advice. I cared about how he was doing, how his career was progressing and invited him a few times to join my friends and I out and about.
Soon our conversations turned into more detailed conversations about relationships, sex, and what it is that we were looking for in a relationship. It was always hypothetical – well verbally hypothetical but I won’t deny the subtext. Although I felt a hint of something else there lurking between the lines, I tried to remain just a friend. If I were being honest with myself, and with you all, I’d have to say I remained on that friend level only because I was weary of his newly ended relationship. But there was something there and I was pretty certain it was mutual.
to be continued…
Ready to experience & learn?
I know I’ve been MIA for a bit but it’s because I’ve been in a whirlwind of a situation. I’m back and I’m ready to share. I am excited to tell you all because I think there are lessons to be learned and moments to be remembered. In all relationships, short or long, there are things you need to take away from the experience. If you don’t you will sit in limbo wondering why you are still making the same mistakes, seeing the same types of people, or why you still feel so alone. Grow from your experiences and help others grow as well.
Following this post will be a series of posts about my experience. Be sure to follow in order. I will number them as I go. Chapter I
PDA and Gossip: Old rules, New application
We have to accept that our dating lives are very different today than they were in the 90s or the 80s. Our status is out in the open even if your settings aren’t set to public; you’re still virtually standing on your front lawn with a sign, “I’m in a relationship with Tom Delaney.” With this comes a set of rules that aren’t so different than the rules of dating in the past but we just have to work a bit harder to apply those rules to the new world.
The first rule is about PDA. Public Display of Affection is something most people agree is rude and just plain gross when pushed to the limit. Just as you wouldn’t suck face with someone while sitting in church or dry hump your significant other standing in the grocery line at the store, you shouldn’t be talking dirty or mushy online for all your friends, followers or stalkers to witness. What am I talking about? Those Facebook wall posts from boyfriend to girlfriend: “I miss seeing your face, I love you, I love you, come home soon.” Then the reply, “I can’t wait to see what you have in store for me…” Barf! Really, come on. We don’t need to witness your love and desire for each other. Put yourself in the position of the friends that have recently ended a relationship or who are bitter that they are alone. Or how about those of us who would rather NOT imagine you two doing the deed? Ever think of that? Rules on PDA are still in effect – this is the memo if you missed the last one.
The second rule is about business. No, not your job, your business. Even though we all have these outlets to spout our business, it is for us to create and control; we give what info we want and that’s it. Even though you are friends with me or follow me doesn’t mean you have the right to every bit of information about me. This is not middle school so keep your nose to yourself. And you know who you are! There is a difference between honestly caring about someone and just wanting to know the next piece of gossip. For instance, my friend is in a new relationship and they do have their status out in the open on Facebook like many of us do. Last week her boyfriend’s account was hacked and his status was deleted. This sent a shuddering ripple effect through the waves of Facebook and on her end, she is suddenly broadcasting to her 200 friends that she is no longer in a relationship. Not only do her real friends become worried but her Facebook friends get all nosy… and THEN her male Facebook friends, as if the full moon just popped up over the horizon, turned into meat hungry wolves and pounced. Seriously! She was mistakenly single for all of about 20 minutes on Facebook and she had 15 messages from the concerned, the nosy and the horny. Back off people! Even if it was a real breakup do you really think any woman is going to turn around, see all these concerned friends and take the bait? “Hey, sorry you’re going through a rough patch… come on over, I have a bottle of wine we can enjoy.” Right. Sure. Keep dreaming dirt ball! You are so transparent you now don’t even exist. Delete!
Just Pull My Braids Already!
I realized today that my way of flirting is to give a guy a hard time. Now, I’m not one of those women who enjoy castrating men… I just enjoy some fun loving, sarcastic, pain in the ass nudging. Sometimes I do go too far and then I regret hitting that point. Men don’t like to be put down, made to feel like they aren’t good enough. When I cross that line, I’m being completely sarcastic but not everyone can take a joke, or in my case, sarcasm. What I’m really saying is, “You are talented, wonderful, and interesting,” but what comes out is, “You suck, you suck, you suck.” Or something like that. I assume these guys know they are great and that’s why I tease. But I’m wrong. Of course most of us aren’t 100% confident and a bit of that insecurity comes out in a guy when pushed enough, especially by a woman – even if it’s in good fun.
Why do I do this? That is what I was pondering today as I, yet again, was giving a guy a hard time. He even called me out on it! He pulled back, told me I was picking on him and then I felt badly and slightly embarrassed because he felt embarrassed. I thought long and hard about this. What did I expect out of the teasing? I expected to be teased back, a slight tug on a braid. This also horrified me. Why am relying on school yard tactics?
Then it hit me. I suppose I like strong men who challenge me back. I like to push them but what I really want is a push back. I want someone who is confident and who will take the lead even though I have a strong personality. I want someone to put me in my place when I’m being over aggressive. This doesn’t happen often if you can imagine. It’s not that I want an argument but I like good solid debates and discussions and when I’m being a pain in the ass, shut me up! I suppose the guy who I’ll end up with will be this type. I will continue to push, nudge and poke (within reason) until someone stops my mouth with a kiss.
It’s a good feeling to realize this. If I know how I am and how people react I can make sure I don’t cross the line. Also, I know what it is that I’m looking for. I don’t have to fear that I won’t know a good catch when he’s standing in front of me. You can’t find something you want if you don’t know what it is that you’re looking for. What is it that YOU are looking for?
Thanks but no thanks
I smell like single. There is no other way to explain how I get asked out by totally random guys as much as I do. At Starbucks pouring my half and half, in line at the DMV, checking out at the supermarket and even one epic incident of a man stopping his car and getting out to ask me for my number on the street.
While very flattering, they’re never even remotely dateable. Ever. For once, I would like the gorgeous man in the pinstripe suit I’ve been eyeing across the room to make his way over and strike up a witty conversation.
Unfortunately, my life doesn’t want to seem to work out that way, so I often find myself in the awkward situation of trying to explain that I don’t ever want to have contact with any of these dudes again.
Most of you ladies know that it’s not as easy as it may seem.
I’m a polite person and I really don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by outright saying that I’m not interested. I’ve tried giving out a fake number but was once caught on that trick when I had my blackberry in my hand while we were still chatting and it failed to ring as he tried my number right in front of me.
Aaaaawwwkwaaaaaard.
I respect the fact that it took some courage to come up and ask a stranger for her number, I figure the most humane way is for him to call or text a couple times and when he gets no response to make up a million different reasons why I never returned the message.
Is this really that bad? If you have an idea of exactly how to politely duck out of giving someone your number, I’d love to hear it because I’m not really sure one exists.
20 Questions: When a Date Feels Like an Interrogation
Ah! That’s about all I can say at the moment about my date tonight…. Just give me a moment to gather my thoughts and I will unload! Actually, it wasn’t a date. You could call it an interrogation before you could call it a date!
I had never met this guy before – set up through a friend of a friend. First bad move. We decided to meet at Starbucks since I like to make blind dates a short affair in case the date is going horribly wrong (good dating rule). When we met he seemed very nice and we sat and talked for about 15 minutes. He asked me questions about myself and so I talked a bit to give him an idea of who I am and where I came from. I asked him a lot of questions as well but he kept asking about me. When my stories came to an end I asked him again about himself. He told me, “Well I was born in Mumbai, raised in London and I have been here for 10 years working as an IT consultant.” Then he abruptly stopped and said, “I’m really sorry but I’m extremely hungry, can I take you to get some food?” At first I tried to get around it but he was really nice and it was dinnertime so I gave in (broke my dating rule).
We went down the street and he ushered me into Chipotle. Yeah, Chipotle. First of all, I don’t even like Chipotle and secondly, he didn’t even ask me if I was okay with getting food there. We went in and he got us food even though I told him I didn’t really want anything. We sat down and he said, “So what questions do you have for me?” I said, “Well do you have family here? What do you do for fun?” He smiled and said, “No, ask me questions about me and what I’m looking for.” I thought to myself, well if you want to tell me certain things go ahead – who needs a prompt? I said, “I don’t know what you want me to say.” So he turned it around and said, “Well, there are certain things I want to know about you and you should know certain things about me. What are you like as a girlfriend?” What!? I replied, 
“As a girlfriend? I’m not sure I understand.” He tried to explain, “Are you passionate? Do you hold hands in public? Will you show affection in public?” I was really taken aback over these questions. I was in shock and he just sat there, all business, waiting. I slowly replied, “No, I’m not overly affectionate in public.” He got annoyed, “Why not? If I reached to hold your hand you would take it away? Wouldn’t you care?” I sat back and secretly pinched my arm under the table – was I having a nightmare? I tried to end the conversation, “Well I don’t know how to answer a question like that. When you are in a relationship and in the moment, you find these things out. You don’t just ask me if I’m the type of girl who will hold your hand and ask how I show affection. Those are things you spontaneously find out about a person if things feel right.” He responds, “Well, I think things feel right and so I just want to make sure you are okay with me touching you.” Okay, the end. I stand up and say, “I think I’m going to head out.” He gets really frustrated and asks, “What do you mean you’re leaving? Ask me questions, ask me.” I told him as calmly as I could without blowing a gasket, “I don’t have any questions for you, I don’t want to know any more. I want to leave.” He asks in an angry tone, “Would you go out with me again?” I really felt like I had stepped into the Twilight Zone. I laughed sarcastically and made a beeline for the door. He’s probably still sitting there wondering what went wrong.
Charlotte’s Dating Rules: Unfriend the Ex
Parting ways with someone who’s seen you wearing only socks is never an easy or pleasant experience. Trust me, I’ve been there on a few occasions and though it is usually me laying out the line “it’s not you, it’s me” , I do still feel the occasional pang when I see the new happy life of the ex in bright Technicolor on my facebook feed.
I’m often un-friended on Facebook before I even have the time to drive home after breaking up. Blocked even. I’m not sure what that says about me as a girlfriend.
I have recently come to the conclusion that unfriending is unfortunate, but a sad necessity of the situation. I don’t care about all of the hollering to the contrary, facebook or otherwise, you can’t be friends with your ex. There, I said it.
I would like to blatantly call foul on anyone that claims to be great friends with their exes. At least one of them is harboring some sort of itch to rekindle the flame. You can’t be intimate with someone and then go back to the world of discussing work and the economy, all the while keeping your hands to yourself.
I have only one ex that I consider a great friend and talk to on a regular basis. Sure, we talk about our respective love lives and give advice on new conquests, however, we live on different coasts and he often requests that I take my shirt off on my webcam and while I’m in town visiting ask if we can have “the sexy sex”.
So yeah, we’re friends.
If you are really intending on getting over an ex, unfriend them as soon as the relationship ends. It’s much easier to get on with your own life without getting happy glances into the life you just left behind.
When Technology Gets the Best of You… Bluetooth Blues
I was at the car wash this morning and this guy was sitting on a bench waiting for his car. He’s obviously having an argument with his significant other but tried to keep it down since there were a few of us sitting there waiting for our cars. I tried imagining what the issue could be… Suddenly he grabbed for his bluetooth headset at his ear and said, “Hello? Hello?” A car washer had just pulled a car around in front of us. The car washer got out, opened the doors and glanced frantically at the group of us waiting. With the doors open, we can hear over the speakers in the car, the other side of the conversation that guy was having until a moment ago! The woman on the other end was yelling (and broadcasting to the entire car wash audience), “You say you’re not attracted to Beth but you stare at her and sneak off with her at Mike’s and you were obviously flirting with her over dinner… what do you think that tells me? Do you think I’m stupid? Craig? Craig? DON’T IGNORE ME!” Headset guy (now known as Craig) rushes to the car, jumps in, closes the driver side door (the other doors are still open). He yells, “Lisa, the bluetooth just picked up in the car and everyone at the car wash can hear you – I need to call you back!” We all waited until he pulled away to chuckle at that poor schmuck’s predicament.
We’ll always have moments like this when our gadgets are just too smart for us. My advice? If you are interested in Beth then dump Lisa first… OR write-off dating forever and know that you can always rely on your bluetooth!
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