Charlotte’s Dating Rules: Unfriend the Ex
Welcome back!
Parting ways with someone who’s seen you wearing only socks is never an easy or pleasant experience. Trust me, I’ve been there on a few occasions and though it is usually me laying out the line “it’s not you, it’s me” , I do still feel the occasional pang when I see the new happy life of the ex in bright Technicolor on my facebook feed.
I’m often un-friended on Facebook before I even have the time to drive home after breaking up. Blocked even. I’m not sure what that says about me as a girlfriend.
I have recently come to the conclusion that unfriending is unfortunate, but a sad necessity of the situation. I don’t care about all of the hollering to the contrary, facebook or otherwise, you can’t be friends with your ex. There, I said it.
I would like to blatantly call foul on anyone that claims to be great friends with their exes. At least one of them is harboring some sort of itch to rekindle the flame. You can’t be intimate with someone and then go back to the world of discussing work and the economy, all the while keeping your hands to yourself.
I have only one ex that I consider a great friend and talk to on a regular basis. Sure, we talk about our respective love lives and give advice on new conquests, however, we live on different coasts and he often requests that I take my shirt off on my webcam and while I’m in town visiting ask if we can have “the sexy sex”.
So yeah, we’re friends.
If you are really intending on getting over an ex, unfriend them as soon as the relationship ends. It’s much easier to get on with your own life without getting happy glances into the life you just left behind.
Charlotte’s Dating Rules: No Sex on the First Date
I’m no prude by any stretch of the imagination and I enjoy a good roll in the hay probably a bit more than the next girl, but when it comes to sex on the fist date, my advice is always a strong, resounding NO.
Put it away. There is nothing good that will come of it.
I’ve heard this thing about how a lot of people can’t separate love and sex and while that’s perfectly valid grounds to not give up the goods on the first date, I have other reasons.
First of all, respect the fact that it’s a date. One-night stands are a perfectly acceptable drunken phenomenon of the western world. It’s not really my cup of tea, but it has happened in the past and I don’t ever fault anyone for doing it. That’s a whole separate issue though. I’m assuming that since you’ve come to the conclusion that you would like to enjoy some polite conversation over drinks, appetizers and/or dinner with this new person (what we typically call a “date”), you’re somewhat more interested in what they have to say.
Oh, you’re not? Well then, go out with a group of friends, get drunk and then climb all over each other all night. A date is not really the optimal solution if you’re just looking for a good old wham-bam-thank-you-mam. Let’s not confuse the two situations.
Second, sex on the first date kills the build up. There’s nothing like that first time you do it with someone that you’ve had multiple sexual fantasies about. An insane amount of sexual tension can only serve to make that first time that much better. Let’s not try to factor love into things at this point, but isn’t sex just that much better when you’re doing it with someone you’re really passionate about?
And lastly, there is of course the fact that well, frankly when you gave it up on the first date, you took away the challenge for the opposite party. And let’s be honest. Sometimes that’s half the fun.
After the first date, you’re on your own. Whenever you choose to give it up after that is fine by me.
Earth to Young Hottie: Don’t sleep with your boss!
When you sleep with your married boss you run the risk of….
- Alienating yourself from your coworkers (Trust me, they know what’s going on.)
- Losing clients (They also know what’s going on.)
- Getting caught by their spouse (Guess what, you’ll lose this battle.)
- Getting fired (Exactly how you will lose the battle.)
- Getting knocked up (Your child probably won’t end up with the corporate keys or the fortune.)
- Getting dumped (If you still have your job, you will have to see him every day thereafter with a smile on your face!)
- Losing friends (…unless your friends want to hang out with you and Mr. Over 50 when his wife is out of town.)
- Being called out by his young child. “Mom, Young Hottie was over here yesterday when you were at the spa.”
- Spending more on therapy (You’ll probably need therapy to figure out why you have put yourself in such an ass-backward situation.)
- Losing the respect of those closest to you (Think: The Scarlet Letter – if you haven’t noticed, adultery is still looked down upon.)
- Catching quite a few STDs (You think you’re the only one he’s sleeping with?)
You may temporarily…
- Get ahead in your career (You’re not the only one getting…head.)
- Make more money (In some circles this has a term.)
- Have insider access to information
- Have more influence when it comes to decision-making
So I ask you, is it worth it?
Don’t take this as a threat – it’s just the honest truth as I see it. Unfortunately, I have witnessed quite a few of you who have dabbled in this arena. It is a steep downward slope and you will be the one torn apart and alone at the end of the day. I suggest putting your energy towards working for that raise and additional responsibility. Now that’s an idea!
Hottest Date Move
You can always find lists of what NOT to do when you are dating someone but how about a list of what TO do? I like the idea of leading by example so I surveyed some of my friends and asked them: What is the hottest thing that has happened to you on a date? This is what I found out – with much enthusiasm!
- My date showed up in her bar wench costume. It was a huge turn-on however not appropriate for the dinner out I had planned… we made due!
- After a few dates with a guy I randomly ran into him at a dueling piano bar. I was practically standing between the pianos (which means, the center of attention – and the bar was packed!). He walked right over, grabbed, dipped and kissed me in front of everyone there! We definitely got applause.
- Took a girl out and for dessert I ordered chocolate cake and port. There’s nothing better than watching a girl coat her mouth with chocolate and then sip port. I melted right along with her.
- It’s the little things – the guy I was dating pulled me into the hallway and grabbed a hold of the waist of my jeans at the button, pulled me towards him and said, “I just couldn’t take it any longer.” – so hot!
- One night I was cooking for my girl. She showed up in a long white trench coat. I asked her to help me in the kitchen. She dropped the coat, wearing nothing underneath – just heels, walked over, grabbed the dishtowel and tied it around her waist as an apron and said, “What can I do?” I was speechless.
- She put on Unfaithful (the Richard Gear movie)… don’t know how but that movie turns women on!
- While driving back from our third date we couldn’t keep our hands off each other so he pulled over and we enjoyed ourselves right there on the side of the road with cars whipping past us!
- I was feeling a bit lonely and so my ex girlfriend (ex only due to proximity and just the course life took) decided to fly across the country to hang with me for a few days (she was lonely, too)…Needless to say, it worked and it was pretty damn HOT!
- I was upset that I had to move into a small apartment with all these neighbors so close by so in order to help me get over the uneasiness, my guy opened all the windows and made me SCREAM! It was great. Hope the neighbors enjoyed THAT!
- My date and I were going out for some lunch and at the crosswalk, a boy stepped into traffic and my date jumped forward, grabbed the kid and got him out of the way of the oncoming traffic – may sound cheesy but it was totally hot!
- I was dating a massage therapist and a few weeks into it she invited me over… had the massage table set up in the living room, candles, oil, etc. Never had a better massage! She even crawled under the table and kissed me through the headrest while I was face down.
- Played a guy at pool and bet him I would win. If he won, I would to a “favor” of his choice. If I won, he would do a “favor” of my choice. He won.
- Since I was going away for two weeks I told the woman I was dating that when I get back we could have a “yes” date. Anything goes, neither of us could say no (within reason of course). She showed up with more toys and ideas than I knew was possible… but I didn’t complain!
- I was out with a woman I had been dating for a few months and we were having dinner… She left to use the restroom and when she returned, she handed me her panties under the table… she had removed them – a skirt and no underwear! Drove me nuts!
- One guy planned out an entire day in San Diego (we drove down from LA). He wanted to show me his favorite places, the ones that meant a lot to him. The end of the date he took me to MY favorite restaurant. Unbelievably sweet and wowed me.
- I was out with a girl back in the early 90s when I had long hair and she was teasing me. I went in to kiss her and she grabbed my hair and wouldn’t let me kiss her until she decided it was okay. Made me lose it!
- My girl and I were talking about our Celebrity List – you know the one where you list who you are allowed to sleep with if you get the chance – she told me Angelina Jolie was on HER list. Blew my mind!
- Met a woman and since we lived in different states the text messaging got a bit naughty… she once texted me, “just got a wax and can tell you the thread count of my panties”
Please add your own Hottest Date Move by submitting a comment below!
She is your girlfriend, she is not me
I have a lot of guy friends who I have been close with for years. I value and treasure our friendship and vice versa. I’ve seen them all through a lot: girlfriends, family issues, career moves, etc. I’m just one of the friends who they turn to for advice… more often when they are single but even during their relationships they have confided in me. Of course if half of their girlfriends ever knew what they talk to me about I wouldn’t have survived this long. Women are extremely protective of their men and of their relationship’s privacy – and don’t get me wrong – I completely understand and I’m the same way. The key is that my conversations with my guy friends remain just between the two of us. As they should. It isn’t something a guy should share with his girlfriend, or wife for that matter. The conversation is for my friend’s relationship’s benefit, not mine, and I am not trying to steal your guy away (although I can’t speak for all the “girl” friends out there). It helps sometimes for my guy friends to look at a situation from a female’s perspective and bouncing a few thoughts off of me. This leads me to another point….
Last week I was confronted with a situation: my friend, Jared, had a frustrating discussion with his girlfriend. Now I wasn’t there – I had no idea what had happened – but I was nearby. He immediately found me and asked me my opinion of a situation (without telling me that it had anything to do with his girlfriend). I answered honestly and apparently my answer was “better” than his girlfriend’s so he stormed off to tell her. Okay. Big NO NO. Regardless of who is overreacting and who is right, you should NEVER compare your girlfriend to your “girl” friend. If you do, what they will hear out of your mouth is, “I believe, trust and would rather be with my friend, X, than you – she is more important.” Yeah, bad news.
Additionally, a little over a month ago I was out with friends and at one point my friend, Charles, pulled me aside to discuss his girlfriend and since he was trying to keep it hush hush, of course his girlfriend noticed and got the feeling it was about her. My advice to this is, don’t try to have a conversation about your girlfriend if she is in the same vicinity as you. Maybe in the same square mile of you. Women have a great sense of reality and they will know in their gut and by the way you look, act, and breath that you were talking about them. Obviously, if there is a problem you should talk to your girlfriend about it – talking to friends isn’t enough if there is a problem. But please remember, when you do talk to her, just don’t tell her what I said. Wink.
The Approach
Throughout my life most of the relationships I have been in were initiated by me. I try to live by the motto: large risks mean large rewards. However, I do realize that to some people, just the act of approaching someone new means taking large risks: the risks of rejection and embarrassment. It might be comforting to know that there are different ways to approach someone and some ways aren’t as scary as one would think.
Side note: There ARE people out there that make the thought of approaching someone horrifying. For the sake of sanity, let’s rule out the jerks and stuck-up snobs we’ve all come across at one time or another. For every jerk or snob, there are many keepers, and they are the ones we are looking for anyway.
The Forward Approach
This is probably the scariest form of approach and only works for the confident people out there. Take my friend Malcolm for example; if he notices an attractive woman he will walk right up to her and strike up a conversation. The first goal in this situation is to see if you both share interest. Worthy of note, Malcolm breaks up his approach into a few separate instances. He will talk to this woman a bit and then leave. He returns a little while later and continues the conversation. It’s a bit like cat and mouse I suppose. This is how he gauges if she is interested. If she smiles and shows excitement when he returns, then he’s on a good track. Also, this takes the pressure off. He gives himself time to get to the point of asking her out. Guess what? Malcolm always gets a number and always gets a first date. You might be thinking, he is probably really good-looking. The truth is that, he’s quite average. What interests these women is his confidence, calm manner and slight aloofness.
The Analytical Approach
After a long relationship sometimes we lose the confidence to approach someone or the know how to do so. Or, maybe you’re just shy. The best tactic is to take the analytical approach. Act as a detective. As you discover more about someone you may feel more inclined to put yourself out there or even better, put yourself in a position to be asked out by him or her. For example, when a guy intrigues me, I usually test the waters a bit. Are you easy to talk to? Do you make me laugh? Do you listen to what I say? If they deliver in these areas then signs are good. The next step is to look at body language. If they are facing you, making eye contact, maybe even touching your arm, these are all good signs. At this point you are in a good position, but wait, you’re still not confidant enough to ask her/him out… At the least you should make it known that you are free and interested. Look for that eye contact, reach out and touch their arm, move in closer and tell them something in their ear. Make it as easy as you can for them to initiate the question, “Can I take you out sometime?”
The Magnet Approach
Approach doesn’t necessarily mean get up, walk over and plant yourself next to the person of interest. You can also “approach” someone by drawing him or her in. Put off a good vibe, make eye contact, send a smile across the room. It can be as simple as a walk by with a nod of the head. The point being, make yourself visible and get them to notice you. If you sit in a booth with your friends, how will anyone get an opportunity to speak with you? If you are shy this might be the approach for you. Actually, you can turn something you probably already do into a tactic. I’m sure there is a moment or two when you look at someone of interest. If they happen to notice you looking at them, take that moment to pull them in. Don’t panic and look away – that says “Creepy!” Nod or smile slightly and look away casually. If they smile back or look back at you later, maybe that will give you the confidence to approach them or better yet, give them the clue that you are interested and it will draw them in to talk to you. Who knows, you may find your seductive side!
So the next time someone tells you to “go for it” you don’t have to run for the hills to evade embarrassment. The risk may seem large but I’m telling you it’s worth it! Just do what fits your personality. But by all means, do SOMETHING.
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