Can I buy you a drink?
Welcome back!
Thursday night I was out and about and a guy asked to buy me a drink. I figure this is probably the most common pick up situation out there so I will give you the play-by-play. Maybe you guys out there will gain insight or maybe you’ll be completely turned off by what goes through my mind in situations like this one – but I will be honest nonetheless. 
When I decided to close out my tab I left my group of friends and went up to the bar to do so. I squeezed in between two guys because if given the option when presented with a packed bar, I will find two guys and squeeze between them. This gives them the opportunity to strike up a conversation. Viola! The guy next to me says hi and asks me my name – works like a charm. We introduced ourselves and he asked me what I do. We had a simple exchange and then he asked to buy me a drink. Since I was planning on leaving (it’s was late on a week night) I turned him down and said no thank you but I’m heading out. He asked me who I was there with and also if I come there often (of course). I didn’t think it was a cliché thing to ask though as he said it pretty casually. I could tell he was interested in me and was going to try to keep me at the bar as long as he could with simple conversation. He was extremely pleasant and laid back, not aggressive or creepy so I was happy to chitchat. He asked me again if I was sure I didn’t want him to buy me a drink. At this point I asked myself, why wouldn’t I let him buy me a drink? I looked at him – really looked at him. He’s probably about 10 years older than me – not a problem. He’s a bit scruffy and extremely casual in his dress – not all too impressive but not a big deal. He has dark hair that’s kind of long and he’s slightly overweight – overall not my type. I declined the second offer. At this point I had learned that he was a paramedic so I reinforced my not having another drink with the fact that I was leaving and had to drive – this was true and I really had hit my drink limit. He said he hoped that he would see me back there in the near future. I said I’m sure I’ll run into him again as I liked the bar. I said goodbye and walked away with his gaze still on me. I liked that he stared after me. I also liked that I was the object of his affection for even just those few minutes it took to pay my tab. Mr. Paramedic will have to find someone else to play doctor with. Or, if I do return to that bar and he’s there, maybe persistence will win me over. I do like a fighter!
The Approach
Throughout my life most of the relationships I have been in were initiated by me. I try to live by the motto: large risks mean large rewards. However, I do realize that to some people, just the act of approaching someone new means taking large risks: the risks of rejection and embarrassment. It might be comforting to know that there are different ways to approach someone and some ways aren’t as scary as one would think.
Side note: There ARE people out there that make the thought of approaching someone horrifying. For the sake of sanity, let’s rule out the jerks and stuck-up snobs we’ve all come across at one time or another. For every jerk or snob, there are many keepers, and they are the ones we are looking for anyway.
The Forward Approach
This is probably the scariest form of approach and only works for the confident people out there. Take my friend Malcolm for example; if he notices an attractive woman he will walk right up to her and strike up a conversation. The first goal in this situation is to see if you both share interest. Worthy of note, Malcolm breaks up his approach into a few separate instances. He will talk to this woman a bit and then leave. He returns a little while later and continues the conversation. It’s a bit like cat and mouse I suppose. This is how he gauges if she is interested. If she smiles and shows excitement when he returns, then he’s on a good track. Also, this takes the pressure off. He gives himself time to get to the point of asking her out. Guess what? Malcolm always gets a number and always gets a first date. You might be thinking, he is probably really good-looking. The truth is that, he’s quite average. What interests these women is his confidence, calm manner and slight aloofness.
The Analytical Approach
After a long relationship sometimes we lose the confidence to approach someone or the know how to do so. Or, maybe you’re just shy. The best tactic is to take the analytical approach. Act as a detective. As you discover more about someone you may feel more inclined to put yourself out there or even better, put yourself in a position to be asked out by him or her. For example, when a guy intrigues me, I usually test the waters a bit. Are you easy to talk to? Do you make me laugh? Do you listen to what I say? If they deliver in these areas then signs are good. The next step is to look at body language. If they are facing you, making eye contact, maybe even touching your arm, these are all good signs. At this point you are in a good position, but wait, you’re still not confidant enough to ask her/him out… At the least you should make it known that you are free and interested. Look for that eye contact, reach out and touch their arm, move in closer and tell them something in their ear. Make it as easy as you can for them to initiate the question, “Can I take you out sometime?”
The Magnet Approach
Approach doesn’t necessarily mean get up, walk over and plant yourself next to the person of interest. You can also “approach” someone by drawing him or her in. Put off a good vibe, make eye contact, send a smile across the room. It can be as simple as a walk by with a nod of the head. The point being, make yourself visible and get them to notice you. If you sit in a booth with your friends, how will anyone get an opportunity to speak with you? If you are shy this might be the approach for you. Actually, you can turn something you probably already do into a tactic. I’m sure there is a moment or two when you look at someone of interest. If they happen to notice you looking at them, take that moment to pull them in. Don’t panic and look away – that says “Creepy!” Nod or smile slightly and look away casually. If they smile back or look back at you later, maybe that will give you the confidence to approach them or better yet, give them the clue that you are interested and it will draw them in to talk to you. Who knows, you may find your seductive side!
So the next time someone tells you to “go for it” you don’t have to run for the hills to evade embarrassment. The risk may seem large but I’m telling you it’s worth it! Just do what fits your personality. But by all means, do SOMETHING.
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