The Good Breakup
Welcome back!
Ethan and I broke up.
Bet you didn’t see that one coming. I know, I’m a bucket o surprises.
There isn’t much to say about it other than things didn’t work out. Oh well, at least I tried. Not really too many hard feelings on either side. We agreed to give each other some space for a while, but we’re back on speaking terms. Regardless of how things ended, we still would have to talk, since he cosigned on a rather large loan for me, which will have to be refinanced in 6 months to get him off the title.
Leave it to me to get legally entrenched with guys that I’m casually dating.
I’m pretty happy with the way that things turned out. He didn’t feel the need to completely cut me out of his life, steal my friends, mail be back gifts I gave him or sell any of my stuff on facebook.
That would be a more typical breakup for me.
PDA and Gossip: Old rules, New application
We have to accept that our dating lives are very different today than they were in the 90s or the 80s. Our status is out in the open even if your settings aren’t set to public; you’re still virtually standing on your front lawn with a sign, “I’m in a relationship with Tom Delaney.” With this comes a set of rules that aren’t so different than the rules of dating in the past but we just have to work a bit harder to apply those rules to the new world.
The first rule is about PDA. Public Display of Affection is something most people agree is rude and just plain gross when pushed to the limit. Just as you wouldn’t suck face with someone while sitting in church or dry hump your significant other standing in the grocery line at the store, you shouldn’t be talking dirty or mushy online for all your friends, followers or stalkers to witness. What am I talking about? Those Facebook wall posts from boyfriend to girlfriend: “I miss seeing your face, I love you, I love you, come home soon.” Then the reply, “I can’t wait to see what you have in store for me…” Barf! Really, come on. We don’t need to witness your love and desire for each other. Put yourself in the position of the friends that have recently ended a relationship or who are bitter that they are alone. Or how about those of us who would rather NOT imagine you two doing the deed? Ever think of that? Rules on PDA are still in effect – this is the memo if you missed the last one.
The second rule is about business. No, not your job, your business. Even though we all have these outlets to spout our business, it is for us to create and control; we give what info we want and that’s it. Even though you are friends with me or follow me doesn’t mean you have the right to every bit of information about me. This is not middle school so keep your nose to yourself. And you know who you are! There is a difference between honestly caring about someone and just wanting to know the next piece of gossip. For instance, my friend is in a new relationship and they do have their status out in the open on Facebook like many of us do. Last week her boyfriend’s account was hacked and his status was deleted. This sent a shuddering ripple effect through the waves of Facebook and on her end, she is suddenly broadcasting to her 200 friends that she is no longer in a relationship. Not only do her real friends become worried but her Facebook friends get all nosy… and THEN her male Facebook friends, as if the full moon just popped up over the horizon, turned into meat hungry wolves and pounced. Seriously! She was mistakenly single for all of about 20 minutes on Facebook and she had 15 messages from the concerned, the nosy and the horny. Back off people! Even if it was a real breakup do you really think any woman is going to turn around, see all these concerned friends and take the bait? “Hey, sorry you’re going through a rough patch… come on over, I have a bottle of wine we can enjoy.” Right. Sure. Keep dreaming dirt ball! You are so transparent you now don’t even exist. Delete!
20 Questions: When a Date Feels Like an Interrogation
Ah! That’s about all I can say at the moment about my date tonight…. Just give me a moment to gather my thoughts and I will unload! Actually, it wasn’t a date. You could call it an interrogation before you could call it a date!
I had never met this guy before – set up through a friend of a friend. First bad move. We decided to meet at Starbucks since I like to make blind dates a short affair in case the date is going horribly wrong (good dating rule). When we met he seemed very nice and we sat and talked for about 15 minutes. He asked me questions about myself and so I talked a bit to give him an idea of who I am and where I came from. I asked him a lot of questions as well but he kept asking about me. When my stories came to an end I asked him again about himself. He told me, “Well I was born in Mumbai, raised in London and I have been here for 10 years working as an IT consultant.” Then he abruptly stopped and said, “I’m really sorry but I’m extremely hungry, can I take you to get some food?” At first I tried to get around it but he was really nice and it was dinnertime so I gave in (broke my dating rule).
We went down the street and he ushered me into Chipotle. Yeah, Chipotle. First of all, I don’t even like Chipotle and secondly, he didn’t even ask me if I was okay with getting food there. We went in and he got us food even though I told him I didn’t really want anything. We sat down and he said, “So what questions do you have for me?” I said, “Well do you have family here? What do you do for fun?” He smiled and said, “No, ask me questions about me and what I’m looking for.” I thought to myself, well if you want to tell me certain things go ahead – who needs a prompt? I said, “I don’t know what you want me to say.” So he turned it around and said, “Well, there are certain things I want to know about you and you should know certain things about me. What are you like as a girlfriend?” What!? I replied, 
“As a girlfriend? I’m not sure I understand.” He tried to explain, “Are you passionate? Do you hold hands in public? Will you show affection in public?” I was really taken aback over these questions. I was in shock and he just sat there, all business, waiting. I slowly replied, “No, I’m not overly affectionate in public.” He got annoyed, “Why not? If I reached to hold your hand you would take it away? Wouldn’t you care?” I sat back and secretly pinched my arm under the table – was I having a nightmare? I tried to end the conversation, “Well I don’t know how to answer a question like that. When you are in a relationship and in the moment, you find these things out. You don’t just ask me if I’m the type of girl who will hold your hand and ask how I show affection. Those are things you spontaneously find out about a person if things feel right.” He responds, “Well, I think things feel right and so I just want to make sure you are okay with me touching you.” Okay, the end. I stand up and say, “I think I’m going to head out.” He gets really frustrated and asks, “What do you mean you’re leaving? Ask me questions, ask me.” I told him as calmly as I could without blowing a gasket, “I don’t have any questions for you, I don’t want to know any more. I want to leave.” He asks in an angry tone, “Would you go out with me again?” I really felt like I had stepped into the Twilight Zone. I laughed sarcastically and made a beeline for the door. He’s probably still sitting there wondering what went wrong.
Charlotte’s Dating Rules: Unfriend the Ex
Parting ways with someone who’s seen you wearing only socks is never an easy or pleasant experience. Trust me, I’ve been there on a few occasions and though it is usually me laying out the line “it’s not you, it’s me” , I do still feel the occasional pang when I see the new happy life of the ex in bright Technicolor on my facebook feed.
I’m often un-friended on Facebook before I even have the time to drive home after breaking up. Blocked even. I’m not sure what that says about me as a girlfriend.
I have recently come to the conclusion that unfriending is unfortunate, but a sad necessity of the situation. I don’t care about all of the hollering to the contrary, facebook or otherwise, you can’t be friends with your ex. There, I said it.
I would like to blatantly call foul on anyone that claims to be great friends with their exes. At least one of them is harboring some sort of itch to rekindle the flame. You can’t be intimate with someone and then go back to the world of discussing work and the economy, all the while keeping your hands to yourself.
I have only one ex that I consider a great friend and talk to on a regular basis. Sure, we talk about our respective love lives and give advice on new conquests, however, we live on different coasts and he often requests that I take my shirt off on my webcam and while I’m in town visiting ask if we can have “the sexy sex”.
So yeah, we’re friends.
If you are really intending on getting over an ex, unfriend them as soon as the relationship ends. It’s much easier to get on with your own life without getting happy glances into the life you just left behind.
The exception
I’m not even sure why Ethan still talks to me.
When we dated in the summer time, I was pretty awful to him.
Things between us started with fireworks. The thing I remember most about our first date was when we left the restaurant and he lifted me up and started making out with me against a car. And then several different cars after that. Sexy. I spent most of the following weekend lying semi-clothed on his couch. It was fantastic.
It started going downhill after we didn’t put any limits on how much we saw each other. We hung out 10 nights in the first two weeks we dated. One night in the first few weeks I ended up sitting on the sidelines of a basketball court in a community center in West Hollywood watching him play a pickup game with a bunch of sweaty investment bankers. I got mad at myself for letting him take me for granted and not giving myself enough time to focus on my life outside of him. That was just the beginning.
Things started unravelling from there and we broke up a month later.
We gave it another go around a month after that, trying to keep things casual and see other people at the same time. That came to an end when I started dating David and Ethan found out about it through a mutual friend of theirs. Ouch.
So it surprises me that he still talks to me, let alone wants to spend time with me.
After the recent incident with David and the text messaging, I decided that I really needed to give Ethan a chance.
I really did a complete 180 with him and it threw him for a loop at first. I went from being the girl who would constantly tell him to stop talking about his feelings to wanting to discuss a potential future with the two of us.
To pull a line from He’s Just Not That Into You…this story is the exception. I don’t encourage guys to wait around for a girl they’re pining for to wake up one day and realize what they’ve been missing all along. It rarely happens and you’ll waste a lot of your life waiting. Besides, I still have no idea how this will turn out in the end. He may just decide eventually that he can’t get over what happened before.
It’s been 2 months of dating Ethan so far and things have been really fantastic. The hardest thing to get used to is having someone that really would do anything for me.
God, that was so adorable I actually just made myself gag.
Charlotte’s Dating Rules: No Sex on the First Date
I’m no prude by any stretch of the imagination and I enjoy a good roll in the hay probably a bit more than the next girl, but when it comes to sex on the fist date, my advice is always a strong, resounding NO.
Put it away. There is nothing good that will come of it.
I’ve heard this thing about how a lot of people can’t separate love and sex and while that’s perfectly valid grounds to not give up the goods on the first date, I have other reasons.
First of all, respect the fact that it’s a date. One-night stands are a perfectly acceptable drunken phenomenon of the western world. It’s not really my cup of tea, but it has happened in the past and I don’t ever fault anyone for doing it. That’s a whole separate issue though. I’m assuming that since you’ve come to the conclusion that you would like to enjoy some polite conversation over drinks, appetizers and/or dinner with this new person (what we typically call a “date”), you’re somewhat more interested in what they have to say.
Oh, you’re not? Well then, go out with a group of friends, get drunk and then climb all over each other all night. A date is not really the optimal solution if you’re just looking for a good old wham-bam-thank-you-mam. Let’s not confuse the two situations.
Second, sex on the first date kills the build up. There’s nothing like that first time you do it with someone that you’ve had multiple sexual fantasies about. An insane amount of sexual tension can only serve to make that first time that much better. Let’s not try to factor love into things at this point, but isn’t sex just that much better when you’re doing it with someone you’re really passionate about?
And lastly, there is of course the fact that well, frankly when you gave it up on the first date, you took away the challenge for the opposite party. And let’s be honest. Sometimes that’s half the fun.
After the first date, you’re on your own. Whenever you choose to give it up after that is fine by me.
Skittles and Dating…Some new ways to taste the rainbow!
So, we like skittles here at Inside Story Dating (especially the red skittles) and we are pretty sure some of our readers enjoy Skittles too. But we were wondering, have you tasted the rainbow with Skittles? We thought of a few bright ideas for tasting the rainbow with a special someone!
1. Like Vodka? Well, have you ever thought of Skittles Infused Vodka?! Enjoy your tasty rainbow sensations in Vodka flavors! Have a shot of skittles vodka! It all works and taste like your favorite skittles flavors!
2. Make some skittles snacks! Put them on Sugar cookies or how about skittles cookie bars?! Try them in different ways with special desserts that you can enjoy with that special someone.
3. Skittles Tasting and Kisses? Maybe you are into that sort of thing. You know, enjoying some tasty treats while enjoying that special somoene. Maybe some skittle kisses or skittle food play. Whatever your fetish, this could make for some fun dating times with Skittles!
So, I bet until now you never thought that you could mix skittles and dating, but, it’s pretty obvious you can! Skittles recipes, Skittles Drinks, and Skittle’s passionate fun…whatever you enjoy, just remember…Do you taste the skittles dating rainbow!?
The Men of Charlotte’s Online Dating Adventure
As you know,I recently tried taking the search for a great date to the interwebs. The results may have been disastrous, but have made for some great stories. So here it is…the lineup of men who managed to rope me into beverages and conversations with their online profiles.
Guy #1: Had a picture up that was apparently taken 5 years ago. Apparently before his face transplant. I knew immediately that I wasn’t attracted to him when I met him. Frankly, I wasn’t even sure that he was attracted to women. I figured I had to get drunk to enjoy the date. Of course I did. Get drunk, that is. I didn’t even come close to enjoying the date.
Guy #2: He looked great, totally physically attracted to him, his teeth were a little bit wonky and I spent a while staring at them. We seemed to have some good conversation. Then I realized the conversation was only good when we were talking about him. His ADD seemed to miraculously kick in every time the vein of conversation veered off of his life history. Next.
Guy #3: Total nice guy. Seemed really down to earth. Somewhat attractive, but I didn’t feel the urge to jump his bones. He clearly wanted a committed relationship, but I wasn’t that interested. I guess I should have realized that a big reason people use online dating sites is because they’re too old and tired for the bar scene. Yawn. Almost gave him a second date, but decided against it at the last minute. It would have been a waste of time for both of us.
Guy #4: Leprechaun. Seriously, I should have paid attention to that height field on his profile that said he was barely taller than my scant 5’2”. Somehow he got the idea that I was really into him and managed to find a way to hold my hand every time I pulled it away. I tried to tell him that I had to shopping so I could leave….he followed me and breathed over my shoulder trying to kiss me while I shifted through dresses. He mentioned that since he was Jewish, I could convert to Judaism. There was an awkward hug, during which he attempted to massage my back. He started planning our second date, which included cooking dinner together. He offered to cook the entre and asked me to bring a side. I was tempted to offer a side of hells no.
I promptly ran home and deleted my profile.
Sorry Match.com, but I just don’t think that it’s working out between us.
The Approach
Throughout my life most of the relationships I have been in were initiated by me. I try to live by the motto: large risks mean large rewards. However, I do realize that to some people, just the act of approaching someone new means taking large risks: the risks of rejection and embarrassment. It might be comforting to know that there are different ways to approach someone and some ways aren’t as scary as one would think.
Side note: There ARE people out there that make the thought of approaching someone horrifying. For the sake of sanity, let’s rule out the jerks and stuck-up snobs we’ve all come across at one time or another. For every jerk or snob, there are many keepers, and they are the ones we are looking for anyway.
The Forward Approach
This is probably the scariest form of approach and only works for the confident people out there. Take my friend Malcolm for example; if he notices an attractive woman he will walk right up to her and strike up a conversation. The first goal in this situation is to see if you both share interest. Worthy of note, Malcolm breaks up his approach into a few separate instances. He will talk to this woman a bit and then leave. He returns a little while later and continues the conversation. It’s a bit like cat and mouse I suppose. This is how he gauges if she is interested. If she smiles and shows excitement when he returns, then he’s on a good track. Also, this takes the pressure off. He gives himself time to get to the point of asking her out. Guess what? Malcolm always gets a number and always gets a first date. You might be thinking, he is probably really good-looking. The truth is that, he’s quite average. What interests these women is his confidence, calm manner and slight aloofness.
The Analytical Approach
After a long relationship sometimes we lose the confidence to approach someone or the know how to do so. Or, maybe you’re just shy. The best tactic is to take the analytical approach. Act as a detective. As you discover more about someone you may feel more inclined to put yourself out there or even better, put yourself in a position to be asked out by him or her. For example, when a guy intrigues me, I usually test the waters a bit. Are you easy to talk to? Do you make me laugh? Do you listen to what I say? If they deliver in these areas then signs are good. The next step is to look at body language. If they are facing you, making eye contact, maybe even touching your arm, these are all good signs. At this point you are in a good position, but wait, you’re still not confidant enough to ask her/him out… At the least you should make it known that you are free and interested. Look for that eye contact, reach out and touch their arm, move in closer and tell them something in their ear. Make it as easy as you can for them to initiate the question, “Can I take you out sometime?”
The Magnet Approach
Approach doesn’t necessarily mean get up, walk over and plant yourself next to the person of interest. You can also “approach” someone by drawing him or her in. Put off a good vibe, make eye contact, send a smile across the room. It can be as simple as a walk by with a nod of the head. The point being, make yourself visible and get them to notice you. If you sit in a booth with your friends, how will anyone get an opportunity to speak with you? If you are shy this might be the approach for you. Actually, you can turn something you probably already do into a tactic. I’m sure there is a moment or two when you look at someone of interest. If they happen to notice you looking at them, take that moment to pull them in. Don’t panic and look away – that says “Creepy!” Nod or smile slightly and look away casually. If they smile back or look back at you later, maybe that will give you the confidence to approach them or better yet, give them the clue that you are interested and it will draw them in to talk to you. Who knows, you may find your seductive side!
So the next time someone tells you to “go for it” you don’t have to run for the hills to evade embarrassment. The risk may seem large but I’m telling you it’s worth it! Just do what fits your personality. But by all means, do SOMETHING.
You know what I would really love?
To hear your awful date stories. Start the week off right and unload some horror stories about the worst date you’ve ever been on. Give me some goodies that made you gag a little or think about pulling the fire alarm on the way to the bathroom.
Email me at charlotte@insidestorydating.com
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