PDA and Gossip: Old rules, New application
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We have to accept that our dating lives are very different today than they were in the 90s or the 80s. Our status is out in the open even if your settings aren’t set to public; you’re still virtually standing on your front lawn with a sign, “I’m in a relationship with Tom Delaney.” With this comes a set of rules that aren’t so different than the rules of dating in the past but we just have to work a bit harder to apply those rules to the new world.
The first rule is about PDA. Public Display of Affection is something most people agree is rude and just plain gross when pushed to the limit. Just as you wouldn’t suck face with someone while sitting in church or dry hump your significant other standing in the grocery line at the store, you shouldn’t be talking dirty or mushy online for all your friends, followers or stalkers to witness. What am I talking about? Those Facebook wall posts from boyfriend to girlfriend: “I miss seeing your face, I love you, I love you, come home soon.” Then the reply, “I can’t wait to see what you have in store for me…” Barf! Really, come on. We don’t need to witness your love and desire for each other. Put yourself in the position of the friends that have recently ended a relationship or who are bitter that they are alone. Or how about those of us who would rather NOT imagine you two doing the deed? Ever think of that? Rules on PDA are still in effect – this is the memo if you missed the last one.
The second rule is about business. No, not your job, your business. Even though we all have these outlets to spout our business, it is for us to create and control; we give what info we want and that’s it. Even though you are friends with me or follow me doesn’t mean you have the right to every bit of information about me. This is not middle school so keep your nose to yourself. And you know who you are! There is a difference between honestly caring about someone and just wanting to know the next piece of gossip. For instance, my friend is in a new relationship and they do have their status out in the open on Facebook like many of us do. Last week her boyfriend’s account was hacked and his status was deleted. This sent a shuddering ripple effect through the waves of Facebook and on her end, she is suddenly broadcasting to her 200 friends that she is no longer in a relationship. Not only do her real friends become worried but her Facebook friends get all nosy… and THEN her male Facebook friends, as if the full moon just popped up over the horizon, turned into meat hungry wolves and pounced. Seriously! She was mistakenly single for all of about 20 minutes on Facebook and she had 15 messages from the concerned, the nosy and the horny. Back off people! Even if it was a real breakup do you really think any woman is going to turn around, see all these concerned friends and take the bait? “Hey, sorry you’re going through a rough patch… come on over, I have a bottle of wine we can enjoy.” Right. Sure. Keep dreaming dirt ball! You are so transparent you now don’t even exist. Delete!
Your Dating Life: Out in the Open and Definable?
Filed under: Advice, Dating, Stories, Tips, Top Lists, Uncategorized
Single? Swinger? In a relationship? Engaged? How would you define your current relationship status online? If I was to answer that question in free form it would be: Seeing a guy who’s great in bed but not relationship material and dating another guy… we’ll see where that goes. I don’t see a status option that encompasses all of that so I pick “Single.”
Not only are we encouraged to state our status but we also allow our “friends” to post things to our profile publicly. It’s open season for cupid… and the rest of the world.
Part of the problem with this new scenario is interpretation. People don’t always see the humor, sarcasm, metaphors and context intended when speaking in 1s and 0s. So how do you read between the lines when interpreting what people post and how do you manage how others interpret what you post?
Here are a few recent scenarios I found myself in:
Three days before Valentines Day I get a message from someone who has been openly interested in me for years: “Would you consider flowers showing up at your house a romantic gesture?” My thoughts: OMG he’s sending me flowers, no he can’t do that! I can’t accept flowers from him! I wanted to type: DO NOT SEND ME FLOWERS. But after careful consideration I typed back, “Yes, that would be a romantic gesture.” Long story short, he was asking in regards to someone else (or so he says). I’m just glad I didn’t react and say exactly what I was feeling. It saved us both some minor embarrassment.
I recently went out on a date with a guy who I wasn’t physically attracted to in the least but he was nice and interesting to talk to so I went. After an awkward dinner and a fun show we hit up late night dessert. When we were waiting for dessert, he takes his camera out and asks the waiter to take our picture. He throws his arms around me and sports a huge smile. I didn’t look all that enthusiastic but I did smile. Two days after dashing into my house to avoid his goodnight kiss I see that picture, front and center on my profile online. Suddenly, I am interrogated by the masses… who’s that guy? Are you seeing that guy? Why didn’t you tell me you went out with someone? Not only is the picture public but the comments are, too! Thankfully I was able to delete the photo “tag.” In my book I tagged him a Big Loser.
As we all are, I have been reconnecting with old friends and in some cases, old lovers. Reminder, I’m listed as “single.” Most of these “new friends” are asking to meet up so we can reconnect. After setting up what I thought was a casual cocktail with a friend of an old lover (how complicated our lives have become!) I received a comment from him. I had posted some song lyrics, “And I’m just dreaming, Counting the ways to where you are” only intending for someone to recognize the song (how naive of me). “New friend” commented on this, “dreams will come true April 3rd, rest up!” My reaction: Uh oh, casual cocktails not so casual! And second thought: Shoot, current guy may see this – I’m innocent! After a deep breath and a sip of wine I decide to play this off as a joke until I can privately manage the situation. It’s all about damage control. I commented back, “You’re inviting George Clooney to drinks?” Let’s see how he likes them, cocktails!
My advice – keep it casual and light hearted online in your interpretation and in what you say. It’s not a place for those heart to hearts, let alone foreplay… leave that to phone calls, texting and one-on-one!! More on that later.
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