20 Questions: When a Date Feels Like an Interrogation
Welcome back!
Ah! That’s about all I can say at the moment about my date tonight…. Just give me a moment to gather my thoughts and I will unload! Actually, it wasn’t a date. You could call it an interrogation before you could call it a date!
I had never met this guy before – set up through a friend of a friend. First bad move. We decided to meet at Starbucks since I like to make blind dates a short affair in case the date is going horribly wrong (good dating rule). When we met he seemed very nice and we sat and talked for about 15 minutes. He asked me questions about myself and so I talked a bit to give him an idea of who I am and where I came from. I asked him a lot of questions as well but he kept asking about me. When my stories came to an end I asked him again about himself. He told me, “Well I was born in Mumbai, raised in London and I have been here for 10 years working as an IT consultant.” Then he abruptly stopped and said, “I’m really sorry but I’m extremely hungry, can I take you to get some food?” At first I tried to get around it but he was really nice and it was dinnertime so I gave in (broke my dating rule).
We went down the street and he ushered me into Chipotle. Yeah, Chipotle. First of all, I don’t even like Chipotle and secondly, he didn’t even ask me if I was okay with getting food there. We went in and he got us food even though I told him I didn’t really want anything. We sat down and he said, “So what questions do you have for me?” I said, “Well do you have family here? What do you do for fun?” He smiled and said, “No, ask me questions about me and what I’m looking for.” I thought to myself, well if you want to tell me certain things go ahead – who needs a prompt? I said, “I don’t know what you want me to say.” So he turned it around and said, “Well, there are certain things I want to know about you and you should know certain things about me. What are you like as a girlfriend?” What!? I replied, 
“As a girlfriend? I’m not sure I understand.” He tried to explain, “Are you passionate? Do you hold hands in public? Will you show affection in public?” I was really taken aback over these questions. I was in shock and he just sat there, all business, waiting. I slowly replied, “No, I’m not overly affectionate in public.” He got annoyed, “Why not? If I reached to hold your hand you would take it away? Wouldn’t you care?” I sat back and secretly pinched my arm under the table – was I having a nightmare? I tried to end the conversation, “Well I don’t know how to answer a question like that. When you are in a relationship and in the moment, you find these things out. You don’t just ask me if I’m the type of girl who will hold your hand and ask how I show affection. Those are things you spontaneously find out about a person if things feel right.” He responds, “Well, I think things feel right and so I just want to make sure you are okay with me touching you.” Okay, the end. I stand up and say, “I think I’m going to head out.” He gets really frustrated and asks, “What do you mean you’re leaving? Ask me questions, ask me.” I told him as calmly as I could without blowing a gasket, “I don’t have any questions for you, I don’t want to know any more. I want to leave.” He asks in an angry tone, “Would you go out with me again?” I really felt like I had stepped into the Twilight Zone. I laughed sarcastically and made a beeline for the door. He’s probably still sitting there wondering what went wrong.
The exception
I’m not even sure why Ethan still talks to me.
When we dated in the summer time, I was pretty awful to him.
Things between us started with fireworks. The thing I remember most about our first date was when we left the restaurant and he lifted me up and started making out with me against a car. And then several different cars after that. Sexy. I spent most of the following weekend lying semi-clothed on his couch. It was fantastic.
It started going downhill after we didn’t put any limits on how much we saw each other. We hung out 10 nights in the first two weeks we dated. One night in the first few weeks I ended up sitting on the sidelines of a basketball court in a community center in West Hollywood watching him play a pickup game with a bunch of sweaty investment bankers. I got mad at myself for letting him take me for granted and not giving myself enough time to focus on my life outside of him. That was just the beginning.
Things started unravelling from there and we broke up a month later.
We gave it another go around a month after that, trying to keep things casual and see other people at the same time. That came to an end when I started dating David and Ethan found out about it through a mutual friend of theirs. Ouch.
So it surprises me that he still talks to me, let alone wants to spend time with me.
After the recent incident with David and the text messaging, I decided that I really needed to give Ethan a chance.
I really did a complete 180 with him and it threw him for a loop at first. I went from being the girl who would constantly tell him to stop talking about his feelings to wanting to discuss a potential future with the two of us.
To pull a line from He’s Just Not That Into You…this story is the exception. I don’t encourage guys to wait around for a girl they’re pining for to wake up one day and realize what they’ve been missing all along. It rarely happens and you’ll waste a lot of your life waiting. Besides, I still have no idea how this will turn out in the end. He may just decide eventually that he can’t get over what happened before.
It’s been 2 months of dating Ethan so far and things have been really fantastic. The hardest thing to get used to is having someone that really would do anything for me.
God, that was so adorable I actually just made myself gag.
Hottest Date Move
You can always find lists of what NOT to do when you are dating someone but how about a list of what TO do? I like the idea of leading by example so I surveyed some of my friends and asked them: What is the hottest thing that has happened to you on a date? This is what I found out – with much enthusiasm!
- My date showed up in her bar wench costume. It was a huge turn-on however not appropriate for the dinner out I had planned… we made due!
- After a few dates with a guy I randomly ran into him at a dueling piano bar. I was practically standing between the pianos (which means, the center of attention – and the bar was packed!). He walked right over, grabbed, dipped and kissed me in front of everyone there! We definitely got applause.
- Took a girl out and for dessert I ordered chocolate cake and port. There’s nothing better than watching a girl coat her mouth with chocolate and then sip port. I melted right along with her.
- It’s the little things – the guy I was dating pulled me into the hallway and grabbed a hold of the waist of my jeans at the button, pulled me towards him and said, “I just couldn’t take it any longer.” – so hot!
- One night I was cooking for my girl. She showed up in a long white trench coat. I asked her to help me in the kitchen. She dropped the coat, wearing nothing underneath – just heels, walked over, grabbed the dishtowel and tied it around her waist as an apron and said, “What can I do?” I was speechless.
- She put on Unfaithful (the Richard Gear movie)… don’t know how but that movie turns women on!
- While driving back from our third date we couldn’t keep our hands off each other so he pulled over and we enjoyed ourselves right there on the side of the road with cars whipping past us!
- I was feeling a bit lonely and so my ex girlfriend (ex only due to proximity and just the course life took) decided to fly across the country to hang with me for a few days (she was lonely, too)…Needless to say, it worked and it was pretty damn HOT!
- I was upset that I had to move into a small apartment with all these neighbors so close by so in order to help me get over the uneasiness, my guy opened all the windows and made me SCREAM! It was great. Hope the neighbors enjoyed THAT!
- My date and I were going out for some lunch and at the crosswalk, a boy stepped into traffic and my date jumped forward, grabbed the kid and got him out of the way of the oncoming traffic – may sound cheesy but it was totally hot!
- I was dating a massage therapist and a few weeks into it she invited me over… had the massage table set up in the living room, candles, oil, etc. Never had a better massage! She even crawled under the table and kissed me through the headrest while I was face down.
- Played a guy at pool and bet him I would win. If he won, I would to a “favor” of his choice. If I won, he would do a “favor” of my choice. He won.
- Since I was going away for two weeks I told the woman I was dating that when I get back we could have a “yes” date. Anything goes, neither of us could say no (within reason of course). She showed up with more toys and ideas than I knew was possible… but I didn’t complain!
- I was out with a woman I had been dating for a few months and we were having dinner… She left to use the restroom and when she returned, she handed me her panties under the table… she had removed them – a skirt and no underwear! Drove me nuts!
- One guy planned out an entire day in San Diego (we drove down from LA). He wanted to show me his favorite places, the ones that meant a lot to him. The end of the date he took me to MY favorite restaurant. Unbelievably sweet and wowed me.
- I was out with a girl back in the early 90s when I had long hair and she was teasing me. I went in to kiss her and she grabbed my hair and wouldn’t let me kiss her until she decided it was okay. Made me lose it!
- My girl and I were talking about our Celebrity List – you know the one where you list who you are allowed to sleep with if you get the chance – she told me Angelina Jolie was on HER list. Blew my mind!
- Met a woman and since we lived in different states the text messaging got a bit naughty… she once texted me, “just got a wax and can tell you the thread count of my panties”
Please add your own Hottest Date Move by submitting a comment below!
The Men of Charlotte’s Online Dating Adventure
As you know,I recently tried taking the search for a great date to the interwebs. The results may have been disastrous, but have made for some great stories. So here it is…the lineup of men who managed to rope me into beverages and conversations with their online profiles.
Guy #1: Had a picture up that was apparently taken 5 years ago. Apparently before his face transplant. I knew immediately that I wasn’t attracted to him when I met him. Frankly, I wasn’t even sure that he was attracted to women. I figured I had to get drunk to enjoy the date. Of course I did. Get drunk, that is. I didn’t even come close to enjoying the date.
Guy #2: He looked great, totally physically attracted to him, his teeth were a little bit wonky and I spent a while staring at them. We seemed to have some good conversation. Then I realized the conversation was only good when we were talking about him. His ADD seemed to miraculously kick in every time the vein of conversation veered off of his life history. Next.
Guy #3: Total nice guy. Seemed really down to earth. Somewhat attractive, but I didn’t feel the urge to jump his bones. He clearly wanted a committed relationship, but I wasn’t that interested. I guess I should have realized that a big reason people use online dating sites is because they’re too old and tired for the bar scene. Yawn. Almost gave him a second date, but decided against it at the last minute. It would have been a waste of time for both of us.
Guy #4: Leprechaun. Seriously, I should have paid attention to that height field on his profile that said he was barely taller than my scant 5’2”. Somehow he got the idea that I was really into him and managed to find a way to hold my hand every time I pulled it away. I tried to tell him that I had to shopping so I could leave….he followed me and breathed over my shoulder trying to kiss me while I shifted through dresses. He mentioned that since he was Jewish, I could convert to Judaism. There was an awkward hug, during which he attempted to massage my back. He started planning our second date, which included cooking dinner together. He offered to cook the entre and asked me to bring a side. I was tempted to offer a side of hells no.
I promptly ran home and deleted my profile.
Sorry Match.com, but I just don’t think that it’s working out between us.
You know what I would really love?
To hear your awful date stories. Start the week off right and unload some horror stories about the worst date you’ve ever been on. Give me some goodies that made you gag a little or think about pulling the fire alarm on the way to the bathroom.
Email me at charlotte@insidestorydating.com
David
I’m so done with David.
David is an entertainment lawyer who I started dating while I was still dating Ethan this summer. Unfortunately they run around in the same social circle, so they have some friends in common. Friends who may have let it slip that I was seeing both of them. I broke up with Ethan to start dating David.
He’s sexy and confident and would send me dirty text messages while I was at work. We had that great conversation style that just makes you smile for days after because you’re both so witty. He had a very busy work schedule, so I didn’t get to see him often, which was totally fine with me. I need my alone time and ideally I see someone I’m dating 1-2 times a week.
The best part though, was the sex. Best sex of my life. It’s hard to believe a 26 year-old can have that kind of skill, but his insane amount of confidence brought it over the edge.
I’m pretty lax about working around schedules for people that I really like, but after 5 months of dating, I was ready to take it up to the occasional 2 times a week with some cuddling on the couch, rather than just constantly going out for drinks, together or with friends.
In no uncertain terms, he let me know that he couldn’t commit to that, so I walked. Unfortunately, he didn’t try to hard to convince me not to go or put any effort into working me into his schedule.
That was almost 2 months ago. I’m not a girl that gets hurt often, but for the second time in my life, I found myself a little heartbroken. It still hurts to think about him. The text he sent on Friday was a little too soon for me to be unaffected by it.
After getting angry about his inability to apologize properly, I spent Saturday morning fuming. I composed a scathing text message and against my better judgment and usual style, I hit send. It took him an HOUR AND A HALF to respond.
He apologized for hurting me and said that he was always honest with me. I responded, telling him that I know what his deal is and he knows what I want and unless something has changed, I don’t see any reason to talk. His response?
“If that is your wish, then so be it.”
Ultimatums don’t really seem to work out for me that well. Or they do…just not in the way that I want.
Over the 10 or so glasses of vodka that occurred on my living room couch this past weekend with another girlfriend mending a broken heart, I’ve come to the resolution that I’m done with the douchebags. Done. Done with douchebags, done with David.
I just met her, she seems crazy, but I’m giving her another shot
Alright, so, I meet this girl at a bar a few weeks ago and we kind of hit it off just chatting about random stuff. So, I ask for her number and she gives it to me. Sounds great right? So far, it did!
I gave her a call a couple days later, playin the whole game the way it should be, and we start chatting. We talk about different things, like music, sports, dating, relationships, etc. First call in the bag, things are goin great, the girl sounds like a great catch so far. So, I say, what the hell, I’m going to give this one a shot and ask to dinner a few days from now.
I give her a call back the following night, we start talking again. I get into it about working and what a bummer the economy is. She gets into it about work to, being a middle school teacher, she had tons of stories about her “kids.” So, I ask her out to a Japanese restaurant, and the plot thickens.
We get to the restaurant, I order a bottle of wine, we start chatting and she starts drinking. Uh oh, Houston, we have a problem, WINO ALERT! This girl is downing the wine like she hasn’t seen wine before. Not only that, but its like this girl has never been to a nice restaurant before in Hollywood. Everyone that walks through the door, she is like “oh, who is that, they are getting seated right away, its gotta be someone famous.” I was getting sooo furious by this point, but, I try to keep my cool and I do. I pick up the check like any guy should on the first few dates and I think we are on our way, WRONG!
After I pay for the check, this girl wants to make sure we finish the bottle. At this point, I don’t want to drink anymore because I have to drive, want to be responsible, and don’t want a DUI. But, she is shooting the wine out of the wine glass like its beer out of a beer bong? Excuse me, I didn’t realize we just turned 21 and are in college again. She’s slurring all over the damn place and I suggest we get going. She is pretty trashed, valet pulls the car around, and we are out of there, finally!
I drop her off at her place, open the door to let her out, and as she is about to leave, we start to kiss. As she gives me the proverbial goodnight kiss, she starts to walk away drunkenly. Of course, I still think to myself…”I’m gonna give this one another shot.”
Isn’t an Introduction enough?
I fancy myself a “team player” and I like to fix up my friends with each other but when it comes to dating, a lot of people need way too much help.
Yesterday I told a guy friend of mine to check out one of my single girlfriends on MySpace because I thought they’d be a good fit. After looking at her pictures, he writes me back and says, “Please arrange a meeting with her in a casual non-blind date environment.” WTF? I never said I was planning the date for him! Did I mention that this guy is in his 40s? Hasn’t anyone ever told him how to sack it up, be a man, and ask a girl out on a real date?
Now I’m worried. If I let him plan the date on his own, he’ll probably do something really lame. On the other hand, I really don’t want to have to hold his hand all the way through the date set up. What’s next? Is he going to need me to come on the first date with him? Crap! Either way this is NOT looking good.
From now on, I’m going to have to institute an “Introduction ONLY” rule. If a guy friend can’t do something with that, he’s probably shit out of luck anyway. You’ve got to be able to close, that should be the lesson learned here!
Pierre
I did something bad.
Well, technically I haven’t done anything bad yet, but I’m totally going to.
I met Pierre while I was interviewing him for a position at my company. Yes, I was interviewing him. As I was trying to stick to the line of questioning I had about his SEO and SEM strategies, I just kept thinking to myself, “We can’t hire this guy, I’m totally going to sleep with him”.
A few weeks after the interview, hearing nothing about the job, he asked me out over email. Hadn’t heard anything else about him from my boss about bringing him on the team, so I figured that we probably wouldn’t hire him and it was ok to down a couple cocktails with the Parisian. As soon as we sat down to have drinks, he informs me that he has another interview with my CEO the following day. Great.
The date goes fantastically. His French accent makes my clothes want to fall off and I drink a little more than I had planned on. He tries to convince me to go to dinner with him at 10pm in Hollywood but I have to get up early for a meeting and I will totally sleep with him if we leave the bar together, which goes against my no-sex-on-the-first-date policy. I pull myself away and have an awkward goodbye as we’re rushed by the valet bringing the car. I want to grope him, but settle for polite kisses on the cheek. Seriously, I can’t even get some outside the shirt action?
He shows up at my office the next day and flirts with me over text as he sits 6 feet away and waits for his interview with the CEO. This is most likely going to end badly or in a lot of awkwardness.
I still want to sleep with him.
Who’s paying for dinner?
There are many differing opinions on this subject, especially in regards to different situations, who asked who out, how many times you’ve gone out, etc. etc. but I’ve come to decide that none of it really matters. Here’s the simple answer….
It’s a test.
There are so many different intricacies that go into the moments that happen after the cheque arrives at the table. How long it takes each of you to reach for your wallet, who grabs the bill, how long you argue about who’s going to pay, whether you even offer at all. Each of these things are indicative of how compatible you are.
I want a guy who has his credit card out when the bill comes and tells me to put my damn money away when I reach for my wallet.
My friend Lisa prefers not to reach for her wallet at all and instead send a polite text message thanking him for dinner the next day.
Another friend Julie doesn’t mind chipping in or picking up the whole bill if he’s ok with it. As long as he gets it next time.
There’s no one right answer for any particular situation. The post meal behavior says a lot about how well you’re likely to get along. Just go with it, do what you really want to do and what would be perfect in your ideal universe and you’ll learn a lot about the person you’re dining with.
I went on a second date a few days ago. I have a policy of offering twice to put my card down (with absolutely no intention of paying for dinner) and he accepted on the second offer and made some sort of weird not-quite-split-down-the-middle math on the bill where he ended up paying more. Which only served to further irritate me. I then got a kiss on the cheek in the car when he dropped me off. On the second date. This is already not working out for me.
I guess I should probably mention that you can send your questions to charlotte@insidestorydating.com.
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